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 Dear
Diane,
Lately down in my "area" I have been excessively itchy. Also,
it looks as if it's more red than usual, but it doesn't look very
swollen or anything that I can notice. It doesn't hurt when I
pee and I don't smell any different. Is there something wrong
with me or is it something I can cure without having to ask my
parents or anything? Could it just be some sort of a rash?
Maria Fink
Dear Fink,
First, I'm glad you don't smell any different. I would suggest
not scratching if it's itchy. I would suggest you make an appointment
with a doctor soon. As far as telling your parents, that's up
to you. If you're, you know, in your 30s, I don't see any reason
to. If you're 12, maybe. But get to a doctor kiddo!
Love,
Diane
Dear Diane,
Recently I got a package in the mail containing a jar of mayonnaise
and a stop-watch. Also I've been finding human fingers in my stool.
Is this anything to worry about?
Love, Mom
Dear Mom,
First, I've called my mom and found that you are not in fact
her. I would think that you are schizophrenic and/or psychotic.
You must have large blackout periods. Do you drink heavily? Don't
drink. It sounds to me as if you mailed yourself this strange
package, and the part of you that mailed it didn't tell the part
of you that wrote this letter that you did. I would also say that
it sounds like you are eating human fingers. You may be killing
the people the fingers belong to to do this. I would call a psychiatrist
immediately. While rational, you may want to turn yourself into
a clinic or sanitarium of some sort. I'd do this right now.
Good luck,
Diane
Dear Diane,
I am afraid that I like being beaten. Not just smacked on the
ass. Beaten to a pulp. My boyfriend has no problem with this but
friends and family do. They say that it is not healthy. But what
am I to do? It is the only thing that turns me on.
Sincerely,
Lisa Chung
Dear Lisa,
Sex is different for everyone. But at some time you cross,
if not a moral or ethical line, but a legal one. The thing to
be careful about here is a prison sentence. Not so much for you,
but your lover. If he beats you so badly that you die, what happens
then?
You need to weigh your 'love' against your sexual desires
or needs -- and maybe your life.
Dear Diane,
My daughter is 18 she wants a baby I told her to wait she still
is trying to have one please what can I say to get her to not
want a baby.
Sign help please Mn
Dear "Help Please MN"
This comes just from a reading of who I think you are, and
there's nothing you can do. Your dumb kid will have another dumb
kid, just as when you were young and had a dumb kid.
If you can force her to get an abortion once she gets pregnant
that's something. But more likely you'll need to push her down
a flight of stairs to cause a "miscarraige." Good luck.
Diane's motto of the day: No More Stupid Kids.
Dear Diane,
I see that you are advising young women to murder their unborn
children. What a wonderful addition to our world you are.
Signed,
Director
Dear Director,
Thank you for supporting my efforts to help keep young women
from ruining their lives by having children they are not ready
to have. As we all know, children are not children until they
become children, and we can't hurt children by killing them before
they're born. They aren't hurt, and the only people hurt by the
act of abortion are people uninvolved in the relationships involved,
and who believe that a make believe "god" are hurt by
such actions. It's like how God is hurt by an appendix being removed
or wisdom teeth.
Dear Diane,
Why are you such a stupid cunt?????
Signed,
Angels00001@aol.com
Dear Angel,
Well, why are you?
Dear Diane,
I have this ex who is super lame. He acts like a complete loser
all the time and cannot come to grips with our break-up. He is
already so insecure with himself and now after I dumped him he
proceeds to verbally bash me and others. He acts so immature and
really is the laughing stock of my friends. I do not know how
to deal with the fact that my ex is a loser. Diane, how do I deal
with the fact that I used to date a complete and utter fool of
a human? I question myself and my choices. How do I ignore such
a black cloud looming over me?
Yours Truly,
Glenda
Dear Glenda,
First of all Glenda, I think you should have used a made-up
name, especially since you're my sister. Everyone, including myself,
has been telling you that Mark is an idiot. When you break up
with someone, you need to not talk to him on the phone or see
him. Just give yourself some "alone" time. None of your
friends like Mark, there is no need to ever see him.
Love,
Sis
Dear Diane,
It was raining, and I was in a bar in LA. This saucy dame came
in and we just hit it off, we started a torrid love affair. Now
she's hinting that she wants me to kill her husband, so that we
can get the insurance money.
I'm like, "baby, we don't need the money that bad" and she's
like, "don't you love me, Johnny?" (Johnny is not my real name).
And I'm like, "Marcia, of course I love you! But why do we have
to kill your husband. Just because he's overweight, middle-aged,
boring, a sap, and has a million dollar policy?" and she's like,
"Yeah!" (Marcia is her real name).
Signed,
Fred MacMurray
Dear Fred,
While in prison, first thing you should do is scratch the
handle of your toothbrush to a sharp, fine point. For your own
defense, you can then use the toothbrush as a shiv, or make-shift
knife.
Or if you save a piece of saran wrap off of your sandwich
(they wrap them in solitary) and wrap it around the bristles,
then take a lighter and heat it until soft. Then grind the edges
against concrete until it makes a sharp edge.
Diane is a board-certified sexologist,
radio talk show host and California licensed relationship counselor.
Her advice column on sex and relationships, "Ask Diane," appears
in newsweeklies worldwide. She is the author of two collections
of Q & A's from her columns: Let's Talk Sex and Ask Diane, as
well as Sex Information, May I Help You?, a peek behind the scenes
of an anonymous sex help phone line.
Got a question about anything? Ask
Diane.
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