Poor English Bill

Once upon a time there was a country called England. Some people called it Great Britain, some called it Britain. Some called it the UK. Most people don't know or care about the difference. Or maybe, even, it was Ireland.

Everyone is poor in England. They are all "working class." They like to drink "pints." Preferrably of Guinness. They like to "shag" and "snog." These working class men in England have a tendancy to overeat, cheat on their girlfriends/wives and speak with a thick English accent.

One day a boy named Billy had no money and his ma and da were starving. His da was a big drunk and his ma was a complainer. Billy had 12 sisters and brothers. Except 4 had died in infancy. And two were miscarriages. Yet they gave them names, and buried them in graves so the little fetuses would get into Heaven, where the Lord above would save them all.

One day, Billy, who had no money, in an attempt to feed his family, stole money from the cash register at Mr. McFeeley's grocery mart. Mr. McFeeley caught Billy stealing and Billy got scared and beat Mr. McFeeley to death. Billy hadn't meant to kill him. But he did.

In court Billy was sentenced to 225 years in prison. Billy's ma cried in court, and Billy's da came to court, sober, for once in his life.

In prison, Billy killed a guard and escaped. Billy returned home to suckle from the breast of his mother. Billy's da turned Billy into the cops for the reward. Billy's da drank half the reward away, before Billy's ma got hold of it.

Billy was sentenced to death. The fancy lawyers and judges all talked of how wrong and evil it was for the evil Billy to kill a guard. They didn't talk about how the guard regularly sentenced Billy to perform oral sex on him. Billy was all sad. How did it happen? What did he do wrong? The rich have money, why can't I? Why must I see my family starve? Mr. McFeeley and that guard were stopping him from seeing his little sis get some porridge in her tummy. He had to get porridge into her tummy. Right?