Guys Named Ted: A Case Study

I actually didn't like my name growing up -- "Ted Weak" was a popular reference by some. Now, I actually like my last name, but my first name I still think is pretty bad. I've also noticed that people named Ted in movies or TV -- and, yes, even real life are always weirdos, psychos, losers, idiots, etc.

Obviously, in real life there is serial killer Ted Bundy (1) and the Unibomber Ted Kaczynski (2) and the bloated alcoholic politician Ted Kennedy (5).

Actors named Ted never really succeeded: Ted Danson (3), Ted Wass (7) of TV's "Soap", "Blossom", Ted Knight (4, with JM J. Bullock and Nancy Dussault from "Too Close for Comfort").

But it's even more obvious as characters in movies and TV. It's like groups of writers are sitting around, saying, "what's a good name for the character who's the jack ass?" In unison: "Ted."

Teds in movies are either villains, or sidekicks, almost always not in lead roles: Alan Alda is Ted, kind of a pathetic aging guy with a crush on a married woman in Manhattan Murder Mystery; Liev Schreiber is jerk/weasel scientist Ted in Sphere; J.K. Simmons is Ted Slocum, a hitman in The Mexican; Josef Sommer is Ted, one of the guys behind the brainwashed Stepford Wives.

Whenever Teds are the stars they're dorks of some sort: Ben Stiller zipping his penis up in his pants, unknowingly shooting his own semen onto his ear before a date, etc. in There's Something About Mary. Keanu Reeves is a stoned, borderline retarded person as Ted in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure; Tim Roth is "Ted, the Bellhop" a socially inept, probable 30-something virgin -- if you can believe that -- in Four Rooms.

And on TV it's the same way. There's even an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" called "Ted," in which John Ritter guest stars as Ted -- on the surface an annoying goody-two-shoes, but in reality a misogynistic, murdering robot.

I know, I've spent too much time thinking about the injustices done to Teds.

But that doesn't make any of it less true.