Old Lady Bitch
Original title: Old Lady [Something Worse Than Bitch]

PART I: Lunatic Bitch in Apartment #4

Someone in my apartment building had been stealing my packages that the UPS and the USPS had been leaving downstairs. At least 5 or 6 parcels from completely different people and places. Finally I put up this note by the mailboxes. Very recently someone must have gotten tired of the note (possibly the thief herself, or himself) because I found it crumpled up inside a perfume ad from a magazine downstairs. A few people mentioned the note to me and offered their condolences.

There is one person in the building I dislike. It is because she dislikes me. Why that is I do not know. She's a lonely, bitter old woman. Several times she has complained to and about me in re things that don't make any sense. She also complains about everyone else in the building. I need to remember not to hate her. Understand that she is unhappy and maybe had a rough life. She's a weirdo and she's crazy, and I shouldn't let her bother me. I don't know if she's the person who's stealing my stuff or not. It's not like it's an Easter basket filled with cash, it's random magazines from 1983, so I think the person was stealing this stuff just to hurt me. And the only one in the building who would want to do that is this old woman. Once she even complained to me when I had left a package downstairs for too long. I hadn't seen that it was addressed to me and left it there for like 2 days. She freaked and was like, "this is not an office building, it's a residential apartment!"

Another time, I came out of my apartment and she was standing in the hall; she had cornered a plumber that was here on a job and was yelling at him, complaining about the tenants. So I come out and she points at me, and says, "And this gentleman comes in and out of the building all the time!" And then she points to the apartment across from her and she says, "And these girls never seem to leave!"

Now the plumber guy, is just some guy who was sent out here to fix a toilet or something, and he doesn't even speak English. And so he's like, "I don't, uh..." -- and then she says what she always says when she's ready to end the conversation, "oooohhh, don't worry about it. No, don't worry about it, I'm just going to call the landlord on Monday." Then she walks away back into her apartment. The plumber and I just look at each other with puzzled expressions.

I need to not let her bother me. Why can't I do that? I need to talk my therapist about this.

PART II: A Few Days Later (this part of the story is told via IM conversation)

FayWray: what's up with you these days?
ted: oh not much. had a run in with that old FUCKING BITCH in my apartment. did i tell you?
FayWray: a whole new incident? no, do tell.
ted: okay.
ted: i come in the bldg the other day with mr c and she's like, (wanting to start something like the old busybody fucking bitch she is [i'm still angry, can you tell?]), excuse me mr strong, but i noticed you had a sign down here claiming someone was stealing your packages? well I think...
FayWray: ooooooh, this is gonna be good...
ted: so she was all, well, someone would steal the eyes right out of your head if you let them. and i'm like, i don't know what that means. and she says your packages are always down here, why don't you pick them up? and I say, i do pick them up. i pick them up on the day they come if i'm here. and she says, well you're always here (first of all doesn't this fucking cunt have anything better to do [calm down ted] than to keep track of when the tenants are in or out? plus i'm not here all the time, bitch). so,
FayWray: whoa, ick.
ted: so then she's implying that -- i'm confused it's like on one hand she's implying that no one was stealing my packages and on the other she was implying that if someone was stealing my packages it was justified because i didn't pick them up immediately. so, i'm like i pick them up when they come, and she's like,
FayWray: i wonder if you could get a search warrant for her apt
ted: don't you have a phone mr. strong? (the whole time she's acting so superior. bitch.
FayWray: don't you have a phone???
FayWray: huh???
ted: yes i have a phone, i say. and she says well why don't you come down and pick up your packages. and i'm like, first of all, they don't call me when packages come. the ups calls, and if i'm not here they don't leave them, the mailman doesn't call, he just leaves them downstairs. and she says, "oh that's odd" acting as though i'm wrong or i'm lying and acting like the postman DOES call when he has packages.
FayWray: i'm so sorry about the bitchy neighbor, but it should be of some comfort that the rest of the world likely agrees with your point of view on the situation.
FayWray: it must be hard not to just go ballistic on her
ted: so she's having this conversation as she's walking to the door to leave the bldg and at the end i'm pretty annoyed and she says something like that i'm crazy or wrong saying that people have been stealing my packages and so i'm like, "NO. SOMEONE WAS STEALING MY STUFF. AT LEAST 5 OR 6 PACKAGES FROM TOTALLY DIFFERENT PEOPLE."
FayWray: yikes! do you think the landlord could help in any way?
ted: so then yesterday there was a letter for her that was not in her letterbox and was sitting on top of the mailboxes where packages are put. so i grabbed it and put it in front of her door with a note that said something like, "this was downstairs all day. this is not a business office, this is a residential bldg. don't you have a phone?" -- which is crazy, of course, but it is all stuff she has said to me!
FayWray: right on!!! if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
ted: i get so angry just thinking about that old bitch. i know she's probably lonely and had a bad life, and i should feel sorry for her, or at least i shouldn't let her shit get to me, but it does!
FayWray: fuck that fucking hag. i totally agree with you. she obviously is making things difficult for herself. i wouldn't worry about her feelings anymore. it's honorable of you to try to put yourself in your shoes, but there's a line there somewhere.
FayWray: in "her" shoes, that was supposed to say
FayWray: what else? anything good happening?
ted: no.
ted: you?

PART III: No Man Is An Island, Or: Other People Think She's Crazy Too

ted: i ran into some girl who lives in the building and she axed me -- I mean, asked, if my packages had stopped being stolen, and I was like, yeah, and she was like, did you ever figure out bla bla bla and i was like, well, and i told her about the old lady and she was like, oh totally, she's having problems with that old lady too, and i think other people in the bldg have. she said that she had to call the landlords about her for something. so i felt pretty good after that.
FayWray: oh that's good, and not surprising at all. i'm sure that old lady is a pain in many people's backsides. did that girl tell you what her problems were with the old lady?
ted: no not really